I'm a gay divorcee!

My divorce came through in the first week of August 09 and I'm finally single. A bittersweet moment, but primarily a huge relief. Mr. Lesbian continues to live in hope that we will reunite, despite the fact that I've been living in my own apartment for a year come September 15th and have clearly moved on with my life. This is the longest I've ever been single - yep, in my life. And it's the first time I've lived alone for a very long time too, and I'm really enjoying it. I've discovered that I need way more solitude than I thought - and I spend a lot of time checking my caller ID and screening calls. My life has stabilized here, and I have good and solid friends, people who care about me and my practice is doing well. Mr Lesbian put the house on the market this summer and it has just sold - for exactly what we paid for it. So we lost a lot of money - but it's still a relief. If I cared too much about money I would be crying now. But I don't. I value my freedom, my serenity and sanity way more. Mr. Lesbian says that hir inheritance is close to coming through, and I don't care about that either. Financial ties to hir are dangerous, so I'm content to earn what I earn, and pay my rent regularly. Financially things were always a roller coaster living with hir, so to know that I can make my bills on time, and still save, feels like a good thing. One of the hardest things was the loss of my puppy. I left him with Mr. Lesbian when I left the marriage - I knew that if I took the dog with me there would be constant requests for doggy visitation, and excuses to drop in and see the dog. So I let my puppy go. I miss him. But it was worth the sacrifice.

I think I'm going to have to have a My Big Fat Gay Divorce Party someday soon.

Lava and Toshi Reagon

Last night, I had two amazing experiences on two ends of the color spectrum: one involved warm, smooth brownness and the other cold, glittery whiteness.

I drove to North Adams to see Lava perform at MassMoCa. If you ever get a chance to see "Lava" perform, you should take it. Six female dancer/acrobats, performing feats of incredible strength and agility, while Toshi Reagon's amazing music throbs loudly.

The hottest woman on the planet is, without doubt, Toshi Reagon.

She's butch, smooth satiny brown skin, shaved head, a voice like an angel, soft sensuous lips and a beautiful thick body. Even her speaking voice is melodic - I could listen to her for hours. My two friends and I were sitting in the front row, so there were occasions when we lived in fear of our lives from the tumbling acrobatics, but even that added to the overall thrill. Plus afterward there were Q and A and I sat RIGHT OPPOSITE THE GODDESS HERSELF!! I had seen Toshi perform recently at the IMA in Goshen, MA with Staceyann Chin just a few weeks ago. After the performance, she was hanging out awkwardly next to the table where her CD was being sold. Even more awkwardly, I introduced myself to her and told her what a big fan I was. (My friend, MM, told me that the only reason I wore a scarf was to catch the drool from sitting in such close proximity to Toshi all night!) So, last night, trying to find a pretext to talk to her, I had to go and tell her that I loved her new CD...and she looked at me like I was a wild-eyed stalker. I suspect that she's actually quite shy when she's not on stage. At any rate, I think I'm done stalking Toshi. She's not taking too kindly to it and my usual comfort with talking to people completely disappears when I'm in her presence and I just look like a fat, drooling, crazy-eyed old white woman, with a lecherous lear and unattractive spittle running down my chin.

While it was an experience of a different kind, the drive there and back was spectacular. As those of you who don't live in New England may have heard, parts of Massachusetts were just hit with an amazing ice storm that has taken out power for thousands of people - apparently one million at least in Western Massachusetts - ...the devastation from the ice was incredible! I'm living in a relatively sheltered part of the valley and we didn't get hit too hard by the storm: but driving along the Route 2 corridor last night was just stunning. At higher altitudes the ice was 2 inches thick on slender tree branches. Huge maples bent over to meet the ground, weighed down by the weight of the ice. And, it was a full moon, so everything sparkled eerily by moonlight. We drove slowly because of downed tree limbs and wires, but also because we just couldn't NOT drink in the beauty of the darkly glittering ice. If you've ever driven down the Route 2 corridor down into North Adams you'll have some picture of what that might look like. When you're down in the valleys, the towering hills rise up sharply either side of the road..and last night they looked like one huge icicle. When you're up on top of the Florida mountain, it felt like you were on a huge iceberg...everything coated with thick ice as far as the eye could see. Not snow...ice. A vastly different experience than seeing a snow-scape.

Anyway, goodbye Toshi. I'm letting go of my crush and moving on.

I'm being pursued...

...by a very wonderful woman (WW) who lives on Cape Cod. I'm also in the midst of a very, very messy separation and divorce after ten long years of struggle and, as I pointed out to the woman in question, I'm just not a good bet at the moment. Right now things are amicable, but sad between Mr. Lesbian and I. But s/he's in full-scale wooing-and-pursuit mode believing, erroneously, that s/he can lure me back. As soon as s/he realizes that I'm not returning, I believe things will get ugly. I'm gearing myself up for that. As I informed WW, I'm not a good bet at the moment. In the past, I've leaped from one relationship straight to another, so that I don't have to experience the feelings of leftover sadness from the previous one. I don't want to do that again. I AM sad. I AM disappointed. I DO feel bitter that it didn't work out for me and Mr. Lesbian. And I don't want to jump into something else romantic without having a chance to work through the complexity of those feelings and how they impact me. And as I don't do anything casual, let alone lover relationships and/or sex, this is where I'll be until I'm done with feeling it. Doesn't sound frightfully appealing to a new potential lover does it? I just don't want to sugar-coat the reality of where I am in my life at the moment.

So, even if I was interested in WW from Cape Cod, that's a very long way from where I live, folks. For somebody like me who tries to primarily eat local foods, is invested in local activism and community building and tries to make friendships in a 20 mile radius for community-building/sustainability reasons, I'm not sure whether a girlfriend on Cape Cod (no matter how wonderful she is) is in my future. I could be wrong.

Single

I'm single. But still married, so I guess the name of the blog holds true. In the big scheme of things naming a blog hardly ranks as a top concern when the the horrors of same-sex divorce loom large. The specter of having the farm I co-own with Mr. Lesbian foreclosed upon is omnipresent. In what can only be described as horrible luck, s/he lost hir job the day after I told hir that I was moving out.

The moving vans came to the marital home five weeks ago, and I'm now living in the sweetest, coziest apartment in an even older antique farmhouse than the one I left (this one was built in 1763), twenty miles from the village I was living in previously. Access to my apartment is through a barn. Yes, this is how we roll in the countryside, people.

It's a huge relief to be away from Mr. Lesbian. I've cried. But not as much as I thought I would. I miss my former best friend much more than I miss Mr. Lesbian. The overwhelming sense of freedom has been fabulous, and I've been nesting, setting up house, putting up blinds and trying to find a space for everything. I moved from a 2,500 square foot Cape farmhouse, into a one bedroom apartment of about 700 square feet, so I don't have much room here. But there's a greenhouse here that I'm allowed to share, and I have as much space to plant vegetables in the very large existing garden as I could possibly wish. There are solar panels on the roof, which heat my hot water and there are brand new windows in the house, and the walls are well-insulated. It's nearly November and I haven't put the heat on yet. I wrap up warmly, with wool socks and slippers, and a few extra layers, smothered in a wool blanket and I'm quite toasty, thank-you-very-much.

The photograph above is the bovine line-up you see from my living room window, so I'm still living very rurally with woods on one side, and fields and a lake on the other. The sweet little calf was born a couple of weeks ago, much to my delight and that of my granddaughter. She visits him every time she comes to stay, spending hours sitting on the fence, chatting to the cows.

What I miss most is the village I was living in. The friendships I was starting to make, the land I own (where Mr. Lesbian is still living - ironically in a town s/he didn't want to live in in the first place), the church I was attending, the local lesbian-owned store where I shopped, dined and socialized....it's painful to go back there now. I searched and searched for a place to live in the village or somewhere close by to no avail. I'm still determined to make it back there some day, but for the time being I'm making my home here.

Ay to Zee

A - Animals/Pets: A small pesky, but extremely cute, little dog and formerly a cute, but brain-damaged, cat that now lives with my best friend. (See below).
B - Best Friend: An ex-lover
C - Cohabitants: Mr. Lesbian, my dog and a new and unwanted puppy that Mr. Lesbian just bought yesterday in direct violation of our agreement about pets.
D - Desire(s): To be happy in do-able increments throughout the day.
E - Eye Color: Green, with grey rims
F - Favorite Food(s): I love huge hunks of steaming, locally-grown vegetables and pretty much anything that I cook. I make absolutely phenomenal soups of all kinds.
G - Games: Occasionally Scrabble, but hate and detest card games. I've played "The Ungame" with clients and my granddaughter, who thinks that it's hokey.
H - Habit(s): Looking for rogue chin hairs to pluck.
I - Interests: Reading (Psych books particularly, but occasionally novels), writing, playing the piano when I get anywhere near one, cooking, activism around sustainability issues, staring out of the window, bird watching.
J - Job: Sex Therapist
K - Kitchen (Wonder or Blunder?): Wonder! I'm a great cook, and folks are always dropping by at mealtimes "just in case."
L - Languages: French, German and English
M - Most Valued Possession(s) (an item, not people/pets): A 3-ring binder in which I keep all my credentials, such as CE's, immigration papers, etc. It's THE thing I would grab if there was a fire in my house.
N - Name (Named after?): I don't use my real name on this blog. Sapphique I picked because it seems fitting.
O - Outfit You Love: Pajamas - win hands down every time!
P - Pizza Toppings: Spinach, Bacon, Ricotta cheese, roasted red peppers.
Q - Question Asked To You the Most: "Did you lose weight?" followed by a compliment on how I look. No, I've not lost weight, and shut the fuck up for continually asking me about something so transparently manipulative and irrelevant!!
R - Relationship/Partner: Yes. But this is a doomed partnership.
S - Sport: (Playing) When my knees were good, I loved mountain biking. (Watching) Ice Skating.
T - Television Show(s): I've recently become very fond of "Eli Stone" thanks to my daughter. Otherwise, I don't watch network TV.
U - Unsavory characteristic(s): Procrastination vis a vis things financial (i.e. paying taxes), doubting own intelligence on occasion, occasional (but not unchecked) self-loathing.
V - Video (Favorites): Anything featuring Marilyn Monroe.
W - Webpage (Favorite--not your own): Kate Harding
X - Xylophone (or other Instrument?): Piano, violin, timpani drums, tenor and soprano recorders.
Y - Year Born: 1953
Z - Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius

Oh Well, It's Ladies' Night and the feelings right !

Daughter and I went out for cocktails on Saturday night, while Mr. Lesbian babysat our granddaughter. They had an exciting night planned while we were out - "Nancy Drew" was on Pay-Per-View. Meanwhile, daughter and I drove down to the nearest town - music blaring. Daughter had made a compilation CD and it had some oldies, but goodies on it. "Ladies' Night," for one...quickly followed by Ms. Jackson singing "Nasty Girl," some Beyonce, Chris Brown and a host of other folks, some of whom I'd never heard of. The roads were clear, the moon was unbelievably orange and luminous, hanging low in the sky in an end-of-the-world kind of way, and we chatted all the way in to town.

Sitting in a Mexican restaurant on Main Street, we had frozen Margaritas and split an entree and a dessert and talked and talked and talked. There's this fun game I used to play with an ex-lover (now closest confidante) called "Tell Me Three Things." It's what I'd call an intimacy game, because you have an opportunity to find out gobs of cool shit about people you love. The game goes like this. You take it in turns to pick a category, and then ask the person to tell you three things about the category. Last night, daughter went first and she said, "Mummy, tell me three things you regret." Okay, so here's a word of warning...there are some things that it's hard for people to hear. This for example is not the time to tell your dearly beloved daughter that being a single parent was incredibly hard and it would have been a lot easier not to have had to experience that. However, it is the time to tell daughter (or son if you have one) that you wish you'd worked harder in high school. Because we were baring our souls, I was trying to keep it real. The three things I'd regretted?

1. Not embarking on my career when I was younger, instead wasting my talent and intelligence in meaningless, low-paying, depressing jobs. (This was a little close to the bone, because partly why I didn't do that was because I got pregnant and raised a child instead of going to school.)
2. The way my relationship with Lynnie S.M. from Chelsea, NYC ended nearly 10 years ago. I'm not proud of that, even though I have worked on forgiving myself, and although she still won't speak to me, I wish she would.
3. I wish I had not succumbed to my mother's attempts to diet all three of her daughters, particularly me, leading to a higher bodily set point, years of disordered eating (only now getting under control) and a lifelong battle to see myself as valuable because of the body I'm in.

The regret I would have added if I had been allowed four regrets was my decision to remain with Mr. Lesbian as long as I have. (Yes, I know..we had a five month separation and I came back. I know that I haven't written about that yet and I will. Later.) Meanwhile, I realized while talking to my own therapist that if life hadn't been so chaotic at the time I got involved with Mr. Lesbian, it would have been a hot affair that lasted 6 months, and then I would have realized its shortcomings and moved on. However, at the time the loss of Mr. Lesbian's son meant that I just couldn't leave her alone like that. In addition, at the time there were numerous other distractions. I was struggling with bulimia, my daughter had serious substance abuse issues, and then revealed a "surprise" pregnancy and then subsequent premature birth of my granddaughter, while all this time I was trying to finish graduate school and was holding down a big-damn-job. It was not an easy time. And, it sounds pathetic, but the years just careened past and before I knew it, nearly ten years had gone by.

So, one of the other questions my daughter asked me? Tell me three things that give you joy.

My answers were as follows:

1. My daughter and granddaughter.
2. My work as a sex therapist
3. Reading books and writing ......and folks, that's all I could think of.

And that's when I realized something crucially important. This life is just too short to be putting "reading books" on the end of a list of that magnitude. I don't expect marriage to be easy - after all, I had my parents relationship as the template for marriage. But I expect more than I have, for the amount of work I've put in. It should be supplying some part of the joy in my life and it isn't, it just isn't.

Proof that Mr. Lesbian is a Guy

Mr. Lesbian, as I've written elsewhere, passes for female. Born biologically female, hir gender identity is male. Trust me, s/he's right.

Here's the evidence:

1. Built first motorbike from the nuts up at the age of 14
2. Used to think it was weird when somebody would refer to hir as a girl when she was a small child.
3. Keeps clothes in a pile that have been worn so that s/he can wear them again over and over.
4. Drips coffee filter all the way to the trash can and doesn't think to wipe up the spills.
5. Doesn't notice dust.
6. Doesn't notice when I've dusted.
7. Doesn't remember when I ask hir to dust.
8. Doesn't know where the duster is kept.
9. Even when told, doesn't remember duster's location.
10. Doesn't clean teeth before coming to bed at night.
11. Thinks the only way to wash face properly is by scrubbing.
12. Doesn't turn clothes the right way out when dumping them in the laundry bin.
13. Doesn't separate dark colors from light colors.
14. Is possessive about the TV remote.
15. Falls asleep on the couch every night.
16. When I'm away for the night each week, s/he considers buttered popcorn a dinner entree.
17. Assumes that taking the trash to the Transfer station is h/ir job.
18. Thinks talking about what you feel is "sissy stuff."
19. H/ir study is a mess, but the tools in the barn are immaculately organized.
20. Doesn't get the point of vacuuming.

Breakfast Fight

My daughter, granddaughter and pet bunny are staying for the weekend. It's Easter weekend which is a strange thing for an atheist like me to be celebrating, but hey, whatever! Granddaughter loves searching for eggs and then binging herself into an altered state of consciousness on the vast amounts of chocolate and candy she subsequently consumes. The responsible adults among us try to make her food choices really count leading up to Easter Sunday when that damned Easter bunny litters the farm with small plastic eggs, which granddaughter tries to scoop up before the squirrels beat her to it. (Last year it was a fight to the death.)

So this morning I, lesbian Matriarch that I am, stand ready at the kitchen counter, ready to do everybody's breakfast bidding. Daughter tells me that she would like two eggs, over easy, on Buttermilk toast (both eggs and bread locally "made"). Granddaughter says she would like Scottish oatmeal with brown sugar and butter. Mr. Lesbian comes out of the bathroom and the following conversation ensues:

Me: Mr. Lesbian, dear....what would you like me to make you for breakfast?
Mr. L: What is everybody else having?
Me: Daughter and granddaughter are having different things, I haven't decided what I'd like for breakfast yet, and I'll make anything you want.
Mr. L: Yes, but what are they having?
Me: Tell me what YOU want and I'll tell you what they're having.
Mr. L: I guess we're at a stalemate.
Me: (smoke beginning to pour from ears) If you can't tell me what you'd like for breakfast, how on earth do you think you're ever going to be able to communicate to me what you want from this relationship?

Mr. Lesbian disappears into the bathroom. I wait.

S/he comes out of the bathroom.

Mr. L: May I have scrambled eggs?
Me: (Big sigh). Yes, of course. And thank you.

Yeah, I know the answer to this one (I'm a sex therapist, remember, and couples are my "thing") but, nonetheless...why does everything have to be so goddamn hard?